


to search for meaning

by westhamutd



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 19:11:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17269448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westhamutd/pseuds/westhamutd
Summary: he wished he could stop himself, he wished his body and his heart wouldn't betray him like this, but whether he liked it or not, when he looked over at leo that first time, all he could do was fall.





	to search for meaning

**Author's Note:**

> hello!! this takes place in december 2006 (kind of). the basic timeline of the u-20 world cup and kun's move to atleti is accurate, but some of the other details are probably wildly inaccurate but hey, it's fiction anyway, right?
> 
> comments and kudos are appreciated! i really hope you enjoy it ❤️

kun has known, he thinks, deep down, since the first time he saw leo. a part of his heart, of his very being, has belonged to him since he saw those brown eyes lock onto his as his lips twisted into a soft smile. leo was pale, and his hair was long and messy, and he was short and quiet but kun was  _ gone _ \- and he's never come back.

he thought at first it was just an intense friendship, that leo was his brother, his partner. they won the u-20 world cup together and he'd never been happier, clad proudly in argentina's colours and seeing leo beam over at him. he enveloped him in a fierce hug, feeling leo's strong arms around him and his strong chest against his and he smelled like sweat and grass and victory and kun never wanted to let go. he knew he savoured the look of joy on leo's face more than anyone else's on the team, that he lingered in leo's embrace longer than anyone else's but leo was his  _ best friend,  _ he told himself, it made sense that he was closer to him than the others, that he felt more for him than the others.

he doesn't know if he ever really believed that.

he'd always loved to watch him play football more than anything else, always so in awe of the way leo moved across the grass, the way he could see things on the pitch no one else could, and could do things with a ball at his feet that no one else could. kun was never able to take his eyes off him whenever he watched him play, entranced and enchanted by everything about him. maybe the way he loved his football, the way he admired him as a player, made him confuse his feelings, made him think there was more to his emotions for leo than the friendship that he was supposed to feel. despite his best efforts, he couldn't ignore that there was more. he couldn't ignore the way his heart rate sped up when leo's leg brushed against his as they sat together on the bus, or the way his chest grew warm when he saw leo first thing in the morning, soft around the edges and eyes still bleary, or the way he often longed to reach out and run his hands through leo's hair. he wished he could stop himself, he wished his body and his heart wouldn't betray him like this, but whether he liked it or not, when he looked over at leo that first time, all he could do was fall.

\---

he tried to keep it to himself, fearing the hell he knew would break loose if anyone found out, and he reckons he did a pretty good job of it. no one ever said anything, and friendships like theirs were common in football - nothing kun said or did was out of the ordinary. despite this, when he was alone with leo, some of the things he did made kun feel like he was going to explode.

leo was so comfortable with him, so relaxed in his presence in a way he wasn't with many others. it made kun's chest flutter and he often longed to reach out and hold leo when they sat watching a film, to lean over and cuddle into his side, to breathe in his scent and share his warmth. 

even though he couldn't do any of those things, leo was often sat close enough that kun could feel the burning of his thigh pressing against his. when they were riding the bus, sat next to each other as always, leo would often lean his head against kun's shoulder in an attempt to get comfortable enough to sleep, and these small points of contact were what both kept kun going, and started slowly destroying him at the same time.

one time he and leo had been watching some war film zaba recommended to them and when he had looked over at him, he saw the other man sleeping softly next to him on the bed. the sight made kun's heart pang so blissfully and painfully and he wanted to kiss leo's head and run his hand through his hair and pull him close, but he did nothing. he just watched him sleep for a while, his breathing heavy and even, his eyelashes sitting softly across his cheeks and his mouth slightly open. he looked like the most perfect thing in the world and kun was so,  _ so _ fucked.

sometimes he would see leo in more compromising positions and start to feel that familiar tug low in his stomach, spreading to his crotch and making him feel overwhelmed with guilt and arousal.

kun was once loading up a game of fifa in their hotel room as leo appeared from the bathroom and walked over to his bed. his dark hair was damp, clinging to his face in places, and leo was drying it half heartedly with a towel. kun, however, was more focused on his bare chest. his softly defined abs and pecs were still shiny with shower water and sweat, skin pale and deliciously smooth and kun so badly wanted to taste it. his arms were so  _ small _ and yet so  _ strong _ and kun thought about how strong leo really must be and everything that he could do to him with that strength and his mouth went dry with want. he tried to look away, he really did, but he saw leo's back muscles flex as he leant down to pull a t-shirt out of his suitcase and he knew he couldn't take his eyes away even if he wanted to.

he made it through two games of fifa with leo's thigh pressed against his before he had to go and jerk off silently in the bathroom, picturing soft smooth skin and deep brown eyes and kun whispered leo's name as he came.

\---

he tried not to think about leo when they weren't together, mostly because the pain he felt in his chest at missing him was just too much to bare. he felt a constant need to be close to him, to feel his warmth and his body next to his. resisting reaching out and touching him was hard when they were together, but when they were apart he couldn’t even see him, didn't even have the option of touching him, and the pain of knowing that was so much worse. 

he goes back to independiente after the netherlands and focuses on his football, on his family and his friends and on anything but the man who is tearing up the pitch in barcelona, thousands of miles away. he definitely doesn't wish he was there, next to him, holding him when he wins, and when he loses, and when they're alone in the dark.

one time leo had whispered into the silence of their room  _ you should come to barcelona  _ and kun pretended he hadn't thought about it since.

he feels stupid for how quickly he fell for leo, how short a time it took before he was under his spell. he spent one day training with him and one night rooming with him and his heart was already his. he felt like a schoolboy with a crush, but the feeling in the pit of his stomach told him it was more than that, told him that he shouldn't let the small boy with the magic feet and enchanting eyes go.

he never even knew he liked boys before he looked at leo. to be honest, he'd never thought about it, and maybe the knowledge that he definitely liked boys like  _ that  _ should have made him feel weirder than it did, should have made him feel shame and disgust, but it didn't. 

he thought to himself that he didn't like boys or girls, he liked  _ leo _ , and that was the most shameful thing of all.

\---

when he gets to madrid, he tries not to think about the fact that he’s in the same country as leo, that they’ll be playing in the same league, but his brain tells him _madrid is only 400 miles from barcelona_ and it makes his heart flutter. he pushes that voice down, determined to think about his career, about what playing in europe could mean, and not about leo.

he’ll be playing against him now, anyway.

leo calls him to congratulate him and he sounds so soft and proud over the phone that kun feels his heart swell. he jokes that barcelona weren’t good enough for him and leo tells him he’ll have to wait until they play each other and kun is forced to think about the fact that he'll actually be playing on the opposite side to leo and he feels slightly sick. they work so well when they play  _ together _ , their understanding as strong on the pitch as it is off, and he just thanks his lucky stars that he’s not a defender.

he thinks about going to see him, just getting on a flight to barcelona and turning up at his place, but he quickly realises how stupid that would be. he should be settling into madrid, getting to know his teammates and acclimatising himself to the culture and the familiar yet oh so different spanish, not running off to barcelona. they’re just friends, and no matter how close they are, you don’t go to all that effort just to see a friend.

he likes madrid. he likes the city, the club, his teammates, and even though he misses argentina so much it aches, he thinks he’ll be happy in spain. he quickly sinks into the routine of things, able to ignore the absence of argentina and his family and focus on his football. he thinks he’s getting better, learning more and getting faster and smarter and it makes him feel proud.

he calls leo all the time. sometimes he has to stop himself from calling him every hour, but leo never sounds anything but happy to hear from him. something about knowing he’s closer to him physically now makes him feel like he needs to reach out more, just to know that leo is there.

they talk about all kinds of things, from cumbia to football to whatever lame film kun had watched recently, and leo could honestly say anything, just hearing his voice is enough. one time kun can't stop himself from whispering  _ i miss you _ down the phone and the silence that follows is so long he feels like he might pass out, but leo whispers  _ i miss you too _ in response and his heart soars.

\---

kun doesn’t see leo again until atleti travel to barcelona in late december. he pretends the knots he feels in his stomach as he arrives in the city are to do with him playing against barcelona for the first time, but the rest of his mind knows the truth. he sits in his hotel room and hates knowing that he’s so close to leo, but he still can’t see him. it feels like they’re always destined to be apart in one way or another, divided by miles or feelings, and it makes kun feel like sadness his seeped into his veins and spread to every inch of his body. the guilt that follows it is familiar, easier, and it grounds him.

when he steps out onto the pitch of the camp nou before the match, the stadium is loud and breathtaking and overwhelming, atmosphere electric and pulsing within the enclosed space, setting everything inside it alight. despite the chaos around him, when leo pulls him in for a hug during the handshakes, everything goes silent, and all kun can feel is leo. he smells so good and so familiar, and he pulls away so quickly that kun realises he can’t take the distance anymore.

he knows he has to do something about it. 

\---

the match went okay, they drew 1-1 but kun scored and just like every other goal, it made a unique joy surge through his body as he ran to the side of the pitch to celebrate, beaming smile on his face. 

he didn’t think about leo until a minute later, trying not to feel the sadness his body wanted him to at scoring against him for the first time. he hugged him after the match, firm and brief, and when leo whispered in his ear  _ do you want to come to mine? we could catch up _ he felt like he was going to explode. he knew it didn’t mean anything like what he wanted it to, but he couldn’t stop his heart from shooting fireworks off in his chest as he nodded.

so here he is, stood at leo’s door, trying to summon up the courage to raise his hand and knock against the wood. he's his friend and he misses him, but kun feels sick with how much he wants to kiss him, how much he wants to hold him close and run his hands over every inch of his body. he wants more than he can have, and he knows that's the case, but a small voice in his head asks _what if it isn't?_ _what if you could have it all, if you only asked?_ and it terrifies him. he doesn't want to lose leo, and the way he might react to what kun wants to tell him could ruin everything.

as kun reaches up and knocks on the door, he knows he wants it enough to risk it. 

leo is freshly showered when he answers, smiling and pulling kun in for a hug. he breathes in the scent of his shampoo and savours his warmth against his own and for a brief moment, his heart feels calm.

“maybe barcelona aren't as superior to atleti as you thought,” kun says when they pull away, smirking. leo rolls his eyes.

“you got lucky.”

it feels so good to be with him again, to see him laugh and feel his presence, to just simply exist in the same space for a while. they listen to cumbia and talk about life, about how kun is doing in madrid and how leo is going to be the best player in the world (though he himself adamantly denies this) and kun feels a syrupy sweet warmth creep into his soul at how easy it is to sit like this with him.

after a while, the daggers are back, piercing at his stomach and his chest and he knows he has to talk to leo, he knows he can't take being with him like this but not having all of him. 

the distress he's feeling must show on his face because leo frowns.

“are you okay?”

he asks it softly and kun can see the care in his eyes and the words just start to tumble out of his mouth like vomit.

“no. well, yes but, i need to talk to you, i need to tell you something.” 

he pauses, mouth open, and swallows before continuing.

“i like you, leo, as more than a friend. i like you in the way i should like girls and i have done pretty much since the first time i met you. i don't expect anything from you, but not telling you was tearing me apart, fuck i, i felt so guilty, i felt like i was lying to my best friend. seeing you again today i… i knew i had to tell you. i like you a lot, more than i’ve ever liked anyone. i'm sorry.” 

he looks away as he speaks, not even sure what he was saying but just feeling it erupt out of him before he can stop it. he feels guilt instantly overwhelm him and his chest grews hot with shame and he wants to cry, he wants to run away and hide and take back every word that he said.

the relief that he thought he might feel doesn't exist, and somehow it feels like an omen.

when he looks back over at leo, his eyes have widened a little and they aren't looking towards him. his face is giving away nothing, but kun knows that when it comes to leo, nobody can ever read his thoughts from his face, he keeps everything so carefully concealed. he feels sick with nerves and his hands start fidgeting in his lap, but the blank expression on leo's face allows himself to think that maybe he does feel the same. his mind suddenly floods him with images of leo smiling and kissing him, of the two of them holding hands and cuddling in bed, of what leo would look like as he fucked him. it floods him with images of everything he's ever wanted, of  _ leo _ and  _ them _ and a life he so badly wishes he could have, the unattainable fairytale ending.

when leo speaks, kun finally comes crashing back down to reality.

“i didn't even know you… liked men like that.” 

“i don't. well, i don't know, all i know is that i like... you.” 

leo nods, looking into kun's eyes, and he can feel his heart breaking at what he sees, and doesn't see, when he looks back.

“it's okay if you do like men that way, i won't… judge you at all, but kun i, i don't like you that way. i'm sorry, i didn't know you-”

“don't apologise leo, please, don't apologise. i'm the one who should be sorry.” 

kun feels every single splinter as his heart shatters into pieces, and he hurts in a way he didn't even know he could. he feels like he shouldn't be able to breathe, like the sun should disappear and the earth should stop spinning because he can't have leo in all the ways he wants to, because the man he loves doesn't love him back. he can feel the pain squeezing in his chest and it seems like the whole world is black and screaming and pain, but it isn't. the stars are still out, the earth is still rotating around the sun, he still loves him, and leo will  _ never _ love him back.

nothing has changed, and yet at the same time, everything has.

he wonders if they will ever be the same, if leo will ever lay his head on his shoulder again, if he will ever lean in to kun as he laughs, if he will ever agree to share a room with him.

“don't be sorry kun, you have nothing to be sorry for.” 

the words make kun laugh, harsh and bitter, as tears threaten to fall from his eyes. leo's brow furrows and he looks concerned and so apologetic and kun wants to physically rip his own heart out and hand it to him because it would hurt less than this.

he needs to get out of here.

“i have so much to be sorry for. i should go.” 

he stands up and leo copies him, reaching out and grabbing his arm to stop him from walking away.

“wait! you don't have to go.” 

kun stares down at leo's hand on his arm and then back up into his eyes, thinking  _ how can he even stand to touch me right now _ , but leo stares back at him and doesn't move his hand, defiance in his eyes. 

“kun, you are my best friend and i will always be your friend, no matter what. i know this is hard but i don't want things to change between us. i don't want to lose you. please.” 

he looks so sad, so caring, and kun feels a tear fall embarrassingly from his eye as he nods. 

“okay. it's- yeah, okay.” 

he whispers his reply, and leo's hand comes up to wipe the tear from his face, lingering for a second before he pulls him in for a hug. he holds him there for a while, holding all the shards of his soul together and when he pulls away, kun finally lets himself fall apart.


End file.
